Everything Wrong With The Black Christmas Remake

Anyone who knows me on a personal level, knows that one of my biggest pet peeves is remakes. There are very few that have been made that I can actually stomach enough to watch. So back in 2006, when I saw this film was coming out, the blood in my veins ran cold. I was so worried about anyone remaking one of my favorite films, thinking that it would tarnish my opinion on the original material. Luckily, my thoughts about the original film still stand today, but my fears about this movie were right on point.

First off, I remember walking out of the theater, having seen this with my brother and just being in total shock. I mean, the basic idea of the original film is in this, but it has been so molested it looks like a pile of altar boys after lunch with a priest. One of the most iconic images from the original movie was the female victim who was suffocated with a black, plastic bag. Hell, they even used it for the fuckin’ poster art for Gods sake. So do you expect to see that same iconic imagery in the remake. OF COURSE. And you do. That’s not where the problem lies. The problem lies in how many goddamn times the use a plastic bag to kill someone. Once was more than enough. It was shocking, and gave the audience a good jump. Any more than that and it just shows that the writer really had no idea what to write, and apparently wasn’t feeling very creative on the kill front.

My second gripe with this film is as follows. I hate the cast in this movie. Sorry, I know many people like the fresh faced cast, that look like they could pop off the cover of Teen Vogue, but I don’t fall for it. In all honesty, it’s actually not the actors themselves, because I actually do enjoy these actors in other projects. I think it falls to these actors being cast together in this movie. The chemistry just doesn’t feel natural between the characters, and many of the performances seem forced. When performances comes across as forced, you almost lose my attention immediately. I know acting isn’t easy, but these are “professional” actors for fucks sake….ACT LIKE IT.

Let’s quickly talk about Billy. That’s right, Billy…the mysterious man in the attic (spoiler alert). What made the original so creepy and terrifying, is that you never see Billy. You hear him on the phone, and we know he’s there, but you never actually see him. Hell, as the movie is ending, after the cops are bagging up the body of the man believed to be Billy, we see that they killed the wrong man, and that the real killer is still in the attic. This is creepy. Do you know what isn’t creepy? Giving him a full fuckin’ backstory, full of child abuse and incest…and to top it off, MAKING THE MOTHERFUCKER YELLOW. That’s right ladies and germs, the big, bad killer in this movie is as yellow as Big Bird. It was about this time in the movie, so pretty early on, that I pretty much shut down. I finished the movie, and have watched it since, but it never got my full attention back every. There were so many mysteries in the original film that are no longer mysteries, it just hurts to much to think about.

I’ve heard the arguments, “well it was already done once, why would you want to see it again.” I say go fuck yourself with a rusty kitchen knife. Sure it was done before, but there are other ways around it that don’t involve the yellow power ranger. Certain things should just not be messed with. Some things are sacred. I know the original writer and director, Bob Clark (Porky’s, A Christmas Story), had a small producing role on this movie, and that we said he was pleased with this movie. I don’t by that one bit, and I think I have proof. I don’t like to speak ill of the dead, but Bob Clark and his son were tragically killed in a car crash…THE DAY THIS FILM HIT DVD. If that’s not an omen I don’t know what is. Or maybe Clark intentionally caused the wreck just so he didn’t have to see this monstrosity spread further in the world.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS KIDDIES!!!

-RJ